Watching mom do this blog!
Playing with her rings!
You know, life isn't always fair is it? And it can be overwhelming at times. I've had my fair share of struggles these past five months and I'll admit that lately I'm a mixed bag of emotions. One day I'm up and the next I'm down. The purpose of this blog again is to update you on Alayna and also serve as an "out" for me. For those of you reading, I warn you now. I'm going to say some pretty intimate and honest things in today's blog. I guess you could say it's therapy for me to just get it out and say it. If you are going to continue reading, I thank you for listening.
Raising children is a tough job full of challenges and I don't think that anyone of us parents could say that it is how we imagined it to be. However, I've discovered that raising a child with special needs is even more of a challenge. I'm still coming to terms with this and trying to get it to "sink in." It's difficult for me because I admit I'm a perfectionist. I like things to be perfect in my own little perfect world. I realize that there isn't such a thing as perfect, but I strive to be darn near close to it. I had it all planned out, visions of how it was going to be. And that plan has taken a different path. That path was ripped right out from under me. I'm struggling with the realization of never ending appointments and therapy sessions. I'm finding it difficult to accept the fact that no medical professional can tell me how Alayna will be and what the future holds. I realize that the future for all kids is unpredictable, but maybe a bit more for kids with special needs.
I'm putting a lot of stress on myself by wanting to do therapy with her at every waking moment just for my peace of mind. I'm her mom and I want to give her the best possible start and help her reach her potential. I give her 100%, however, I have 3 other kids too. I'm struggling with being pulled this way and that way. I'm stretched thin. I owe it to them to be there for whatever they need. I'm a mom with a very short fuse lately. I'm a mom that sometimes would like to kick her big toe and feel that ache more than the ache in her own heart. I'm a mom that cries if I hear a certain song on the radio. I'm a mom that cries through a smile when I hear news of a new, healthy baby being born. I admit that I'm happy for those new moms and dads, but I'm going to be honest here too. There is a part of me that is a bit jealous. I'm a mom who has forgotten a bit about herself. And I'm working on that. I'm a mom that is a "rarity" with this situation and I don't want to be. It can sometimes be a very lonely feeling. I'm a mom that likes to reach milestones and realizing that we may have 20 failures before a success is hard. I'm a mom watching other children Alayna's age and what they are "doing." I'm teaching myself not to compare, but again, it's hard. I'm a mom. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm a mom, which is truly a gift in itself.
When I explain Alayna's condition to people, most give me the same reaction of not knowing what 1p36 is or what that means. They usually respond by asking, "She's going to be okay though, right?" I say "yes" and I'm still working on making my heart and mind believe it and not just my mouth. I put Alayna to bed every night in her crib that is right next to my bed. I say my prayers every night and I watch her peacefully sleeping. I pray that God would take all of her challenges away and heal her and give her strength. I ask for lots of strength too. I lay my head down and half the time don't even remember doing that. Another long day and I'm exhausted.
You never know what life is going to deal you. I think back over my almost 34 years of life and I've been dealt some doozies. Sometimes, it's things that are the most unexpected. I thank my mom and step-dad for teaching me that you better go with the punch and for believing in me. I know a few things for sure: Alayna was sent from heaven, she's my little girl, and I love her. I love all of my kids. I hope I can learn to manage my time between all of them better and let them know this!
Alayna is helping me learn to think differently, embrace differences, and just realize that all children are unique. She's awesome! She is going to be 5 months on Friday! She has taught me more in those 5 months than I could ever have imagined. I hope I can teach her just as much. Life is a precious gift. It's got it's highs and it's lows. God bless all of us. Let's go give our kids a big hug.
5 comments:
Angie,
I wish I had the right words to say, but I'm not sure what to say. I know how challenging things have been lately and just want you to know that I'm ALWAYS here for you. Alayna is a true blessing and has definitely taught me a few things as well. She will teach all of our children a few things, too. Your strength these past five months is admirable. Love you...
Angie,
Your honesty through this is admirable and encouraging. It cannot be easy to be in your shoes right now, and we all continue to pray for you & Dana, Alayna, and for the rest of your children. When I read your blog and look at the pictures you post I see the Lord at work. God is really shinning through you right now. When we are weak He is strong. I hope it is a comfort to you to know that you are truly a testament to God's unwavering love and the fact that he NEVER leaves us. No one expects you to be perfect, and it is only human for you to struggle. But, your faith in the Lord is strong that is clear, and for that you will be rewarded. I love you all,
Your cousin,
Amy
Angie,
Alayna's smile is beautiful. She is a lovely little girl with a Mother who is up to the challenge and has an army of family who is here for both you and Alayna. Please know that you can call on me for anything.
Angie, words are all we have to express what our hearts feel. Most times those words are inadequate to truly express the love, admiration, pride and hope for our children's future. I have all of those for you my dear.
The Lord has seen in you a Mother that has the heart, compasion and tenacity to be a blessing to all of your children.
The blessing so far that Alayna has given me is reminding me of the simple things in life we take for granted each day that will be a challenge to her, but with you she will meet those challenges. She will be teaching us all much as she grows.
It is not - God only gives us what we can handle. It is - With God's strengh we can do what is before us.
With all my love,
Your Aunt Linda
Angie,
I feel compelled to write to you about your last entry. I have read it twice now and could not find the right words to say. I just want you to know that we love you and your family very much. My words may not be as eloquent as I wish they could be but know that you are in my prayers. I truly admire you and your faith in the Lord. You and your words are helping me to be a better Christian and mother. As everyone has said Alayna is a true blessing! We love you and I am always here in whatever it maybe that you need.
Love,
Lora
I know I am not there and I feel like I wouldn't be able to say the right thing, but I think you are incredibly strong. I think Alayna is lucky to have you as a mom. I can't imagine what it must feel like, but we love you very much and we are there for all of you. We are all praying for you and Alayna! God Bless Angie!
Love Always, Kay
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